This morning I got up at 5:30 am… and hardly got anything useful accomplished.
And I don’t care.
At least I’m trying harder not to.
It’s not easy to do when you’ve been a perfectionist your whole life. Dotting every i and crossing every t in just about everything you do. Perfectionism can often lead to depression, which I’m fairly familiar with also.
Yesterday, I ignored that inner worry that told me I should really finish up the last part of my homework assignment before class started.
And then I went to class and found out that it wasn’t even due.
I probably still won’t finish that last part.
You can call me lazy, but I’m really just trying to be more efficient. The short version of “why this is alright” is that I already know how to do the problem a faster way. It’s just more useful for me to not learn how to do that problem the exact way my professor wants.
And I don’t care.
On Sunday morning, which is usually a great time for me to plan my Sunday School lessons, write my sister in Argentina, and do some genealogy, I slept in and did nothing.
Well, I did play with my kids, I always do that. I was tempted to feel bad about not accomplishing “more”.
But I don’t care.
Some days, no, make that most days, at work, I beat myself up for not working harder or getting more done. When I’m asked how long something will take I get anxious because I know I need to build some time into the answer to account for the time I know I’ll waste by being distracted.
Recently, however. I’ve just been building that time in, letting it be part of the day (although I am working on being more effective), and really..
I don’t care.
This much apathy could kill any normal person, but for a perfectionist, apathy is sometimes just what’s needed to balance life.
I say I don’t care but really I should be saying that I’m working on not caring so much. And at not caring about the unimportant things that I too often beat myself up about. I am still working hard at caring more for my family and my faith.
It’s tiring living a life of menial, tedious, inefficient tasks only because you’re held captive by your brain that doesn’t really know any better.
A life focused only on the most important and most effective ways of doing things is what I look forward to.
And while there is a lot of research out there about how to overcome perfectionism I know the one thing that has worked for me.
Caring less about the things that matter the least.